I Still Have No Idea What I Want To Be

Every child dreams of being something special. When you ask a child what they want to be, you invariably get a litany of things, each one more absurd than the next. At some point I wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, professional baseball player, celebrity, actor, and general man-about-town. It didn't matter what it was, just as long as I had piles of money and didn't really have to work. The dreams of youth are amusing indeed, every parent has a little chuckle at the things their child aspires to. The important thing is that they have some sort of aspiration.

My aspirations ran headlong into paralyzing fear. I'm not sure when that happened, exactly, but somewhere along the way I realized a few things about myself. First, I couldn't hit a baseball. When the adults were pitching to me I was Babe Ruth reincarnated. Unfortunately for me, there came a time when I had to start facing other kids, some of whom were bigger than I was. My first at-bat in the "big leagues", as it were, I took a pitch to the ribs, instantly freezing the bat on my shoulder. On the few occasions I mustered the courage to swing I missed the ball by a mile because I bailed out so dramatically I was halfway down the baseline by the time the pitch arrived. I would have needed a telephone pole to get a hit. So much for the fame and fortune of professional baseball.

I could have been a doctor. Without a doubt I have the intelligence and work ethic to be a doctor. Then the fear once more got in the way. I blanch at the sight of blood, so much so that I invariably panic. I can't even hunt, simply because the act of field dressing the animal is something I am incapable of. Now, given the necessity, I'm sure I could overcome that. Alas, I would be destroyed the first time I lost a patient. It would be a failure that would shatter me like a piece of glass.

Celebrity? Actor? Not a chance. It's only been a few years since I learned to speak in public without feeling like I was about to pass out (which has actually happened to me). So that's out.

Lawyer? Yeah, that's exactly what the world needs, another lawyer. The academics? No problem. Preparation and ethical representation? With a moral compass like mine, I couldn't do it any other way. Crushing debt? Killer. I still mull it over from time to time, but I simply can't find a way to justify the cost, especially with my eternally-tenuous finances and responsibilities. Maybe if I win the lottery I'll go that route. Of course, if I win the lottery I will have no need to become a lawyer. Catch-22.

I did 12 years in the Pennsylvania Air National Guard, achieving the rank of Technical Sergeant and reputation for being technically proficient, and I really thought that was it. I was on track for a good shot at a full-time job, but that went away with my alcoholism. What a weird lesson I learned from that: no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you want something, you can lose it overnight. Naturally, that fed into my already crippling fear.

For virtually my entire adult life I have worked in a restaurant. I make good coin for restaurant work, and I'd like to think that I am exceptional at my job, but in the end there is nowhere to go. The boss is also the owner, and so I have peaked. I suppose I could continue on indefinitely, and in fact I probably will in some capacity because I still very much enjoy my job, but I find myself restless.

So here I am, 38 years old, a veteran of two wars, holder of a Bachelor's Degree in Political Science, and I have no idea what I want to be. As an adult I find myself having much the same imagination as I did when I was a child. I'd love to open a gun shop, learn how to fix cars professionally, open my own restaurant, a few other things. Then I think about what it would take and the fear engulfs me again. I am many things, but the one thing I fear the most is failure. I don't want to be a failure. But I don't want to take chances, either.

Sooner or later I'll have to take a leap. It's either that or I content myself with being a Renaissance Man, all the knowledge in the world and nothing to show for it. Maybe on the day I do finally decide I'll do it with the optimistic exuberance of the child I once was and can remember being, but cannot emulate.